Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Tuesday Trainwreck - Who Got The Hooch?

The AP crew is back from our long weekend (Happy Memorial Day, by the way), ready to get back to the important task of writing about rumors and reviewing trash. Hey, if we don't do it, and the other ten million sites out there don't either, then who will? Let's not find out. So with that, let's get back to business.

A word on this trainwreck, however - I contemplated switching this column to a Wednesday Trainwreck this week for a couple of reasons. First, the hangover hasn't really gone away yet, despite the fact that it's now Tuesday afternoon. Damn you Jack Daniels! Too loud. Second, and perhaps more relevant to the feature, is that almost nothing being released this week will actually be available today. Because of Monday's holiday, most items are just being shipped out to retailers today, and won't hit the shelves until tomorrow.

Then I realized - this is an excellent chance for a preemptive strike. See, by the time all three of you read this column on a normal Tuesday, you've already had the chance to go out and buy the very thing I'm telling you not to buy. But this week, you'll be an informed consumer. You're welcome. Don't get the wrong idea, though - I'm not moving this feature to Monday. Monday's suck enough as it is, without the demands of a feature series that has to be published. Besides, Monday Trainwreck just doesn't have the same ring to it. I'd have to change the column to something like Monday Melee, which is totally gay, and would also mean that I've have to create a new graphic. Pass.

Okay, enough rambling - that was supposed to be one paragraph. So let's jump right into it:

Yes movie lovers, this week's trainwreck is Basic Instinct. But not just any version - this is the hi-def Blu-Ray edition of Basic Instinct. Think about what that means for a minute.

Now I know there are probably a bunch of you out there right now calling me an ass on this one. For a lot of 20-something guys, this was their first big screen look at lady parts in all their glory. But realize what we're talking about here - these are Sharon Stone's lady parts. In hi def. This woman is old enough to be your mother.

Granted, she was still pretty hot when this movie was filmed, so it's not all bad. But when you combine 49-year-old hooch with a shitty script, poor acting, and the skinny Rice-A-Roni guy, you don't have something worth wasting $30 bucks over. Besides, didn't you already buy this movie when the special edition DVD with the ice pick came out?

Bottom line, you've seen Sharon's va-jay-jay more times than you've needed to at this point, so it's time to move on to greener pastures. And I don't mean Britney Spears.

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