Tuesday Trainwreck - I Remember When Jim Carrey Was Actually Entertaining

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Dumb And Dumber. The Cable Guy. These are all really good Jim Carrey movies. And it's not just a case of looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. Go back and watch any one of them, and I dare you not to laugh out loud at some point. Go ahead, watch one right now. I'll wait. I've got two hours to kill.

So, what did you think? Funny, right? I know! Now that you've enjoyed a good movie, how about some more Jim Carrey goodness, but this time in television form? Just fire up an ep of In Living Color, and bang, Fire Marshall Bill and Veracosa are taking you on a journey to comedy town. Good times (for the record, Jim was never on that show - I'm just using it as an expression). So all that begs the question - what the hell happened to Jim Carrey's career?

Oh yeah - he stopped being funny. Old Jimmy boy seemed to have more misses than hits in his recent comedy attempts (*cough* Grinch *cough*), so he finally decided to just stop trying. Can't say I blame him. I imagine that being a failure is tough. But instead of just giving up acting all together and spending his days swimming in his giant Money Bin, Jim decided to give serious acting a try. Lucky us:



The Number 23 stars Jim as a man who becomes obsessed with a book detailing all the strange coincidences having to do with the number 23 in the world. Crazy stuff basically, like when people say that the 13 stripes on the American flag signify the 13 original colonies. We all know it's for luck! Anyway, convinced that the book was written about him, Carrey slowly descends into a world of paranoid delusion, aiming to solve the fictitious mysteries put forth on its pages.

This movie isn't supposed to be a comedy, but some people do seem to find comedic undertones in Carrey's acting. I'm not convinced it's intentional though - like it or not, Carrey is a comedian at heart, and his acting style reflects it. Even when undertaking a serious role, his true nature shines through. Truth be told, that aspect does make this movie somewhat watchable, but its poor story and overall cheesy tone relegate this disk to Trainwreck status.

If you're desperate for something to watch in 10 years, and you happen to come across this one in the $2.99 bargain bin at Best Buy, you could do worse. But watching Jim Carrey in his current state is almost too painful to endure. The good old days of funnyman Jim may be gone, but I'd rather relive them through the magic of DVD than subject myself to his current offerings. Time to throw in the towel, pal, and head back to Canada - the moose will have more love for you than we will.

Tuesday Trainwreck - The Reason Why Elizabeth Berkley Doesn't Have A Career Anymore

1995 was a crazy year. The European Union was still forming, the Space Shuttle docked with the Mir space station for the first time, and people were setting off bombs in Oklahoma City. And there was also some court case about an ex-football player named O.J. But all that was trumped by a singular motion picture release. One film that changed the world as we know it. A mere 128 minutes that redefined everything that we thought we knew. That film - that epic - was none other than Showgirls:

In case you hadn't figured it out by now, that was my sarcastic voice. I know, it sounds a lot like my regular voice. Anyway, some genius decided that it was time to re-release Showgirls on DVD - again - so here we are, with cannon fodder.

For those of you that were living under a rock back in the year of our Yahoo!, let me break down the movie for you. Showgirls tells the story of Elizabeth Berkley trying to find work after Saved By The Bell came to a close, and she was passed over for The College Years. Undaunted, Liz bravely makes her way to Las Vegas, desperate to prove that it doesn't take a huge rack to make it in Sin City, as long as you're willing to show off what you've got. Her efforts are stymied by the incumbent slut on stage, but after pulling a Tonya Harding on the competition, and with a little help from that guy from Twin Peaks, she becomes the next big thing. Take that Tiffani-Amber Thiessen!

For some unknown reason, this flick has actually become a cult classic over the years. Personally, I think that a lot of people just have really bad taste, or haven't discovered how much more entertaining other diversions can by, like watching paint dry or needlepoint. Or maybe it's just all those guys that grew up watching SBTB can't enough of seeing Jessie's knockers on screen, and thinking about what might have been if only they had been cast over Mario Lopez as her high school love interest. Don't worry guys - he didn't touch her either. He was much too busy rubbing suntan lotion on Mark Paul Gosselarr to notice her.

Besides, everyone knows that the first season of SBTB was the best, before Jessie and Kelly showed up, when Hayley Mills taught a young Zack and Screech how to be men in this dog eat dog world. Wait, what were we discussing again?

Tuesday Trainwreck - Ghostbusters? Oh, Those Ghostbusters

Before you start sending those angry emails or leaving some flaming comments, read the article first. It's not about the Ghostbusters that we all know and love. Those were the four guys living in the firehouse, battling the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, and watching the game with Slimer. No, these are the "other" Ghostbusters. You know, the "fake" Ghostbusters, also known as Filmation's Ghostbusters:

Filmation's Ghostbusters tells the tale of two dudes and their pet monkey (look at the picture if you don't believe me) charged with temporarily ridding the world of ghosts and goblins. They hung out in some wacky headquarters, and drove a car that could not only fly, but talk. I think the monkey talked as well, albeit in a primate accent. They battled the forces of Prime Evil, a half robot/half ghost creature bent on taking over the world with his demon army. Sounds like someone I know.

The Filmation guys were essentially the jobbers to what were billed as The Real Ghostbusters, the animated series based on the movie from the 1980s. In reality, though, Filmation's Ghostbusters (previously known as The Original Ghostbusters) was not a direct ripoff. It was based on a 1970s live action TV series. Much like most TV in the 1970s, it was terrible, which is why no one remembers it.

Though the TV series that Filmation adapted did predate the movie, and wouldn't have technically infringed on its rights, they did make one change. The original series was called The Ghost Busters - Filmation made it one word and released the series on the heels of the movie, in an attempt to capitalize on its supernatural success. They even beat the movie-based cartoon to air. Of course, all this didn't sit well with the laywers, and an expensive, pointless legal battle ensued. In the end, we were still left with two series, but they had specific names - Filmation's Ghostbusters and The Real Ghostbusters.

Nauseating legal battles aside, this series was awful. The comedy was slapstick at best, the plots were thinner than ecotoplasm, and the characters were annoying. In retrospect, though, I don't recall liking either series that much, but this one is definitely the worst of the two.

At the end of the day, this series was just a lame attempt to cash in on a franchise no one remembered by playing off a currently popular franchise that everybody loved. The truth is, had this cartoon had the opportunity to stand alone, it may have held up to the test of time a little better. Then again, a talking monkey and a robotic ghost a rarely a recipe for success.

Tuesday Trainwreck - The Only Thing Evil About This Movie Is That They're Charging For It

What's this - two Trainwrecks in a row? That's right. Due to our MIA status last week, I mentioned that some double features were in order. So here we are, second round. This is a great opportunity, since we can explore the worst from both video games and DVDs. We've already covered the trash that is the Rise of the Silver Surfer game, so let's move on to some craptacular cinema - Primeval:

Let's jump right into the plot. Don't worry - the water's shallow. This movie is based on the true story of a 23 foot long man-eating crocodile. Essentially, we follow a news crew that travels to the African jungles. Their mission is to catch the creature on tape, and maybe even capture this beast, to exploit him and make some money. These are American journalists, after all. Now, what a news crew knows about hunting or croc wrangling, I'll never know. Maybe they watched Crocodile Dundee before they left.

Anyway, it turns out they're not the only ones hunting in this jungle - the croc, known by the locals as "Gustave" (strikes fear in your heart, doesn't it?), is fixing to make our crack team of heroes his main course. There's a lot of back of forth with this, and the team has a bunch of encounters with the croc. Oh, and there's also a civil war going on too. I don't think this movie was sponsored by the African Board of Tourism.

In the end, Gustave eats a bunch of people, and we all have a good laugh at the fact that this is the career that Dominic Purcell made out of his Prison Break fame. Good times.

To be fair, there's a lot of action in this movie, and I wouldn't throw Brooke Langton out of bed. Until I was done with her, at least. But the plot is just too weak to get you really involved in the movie. This is the kind of thing you watch on HBO at 2 a.m. when nothing else is on - assuming you haven't already cancelled your subscription. So find something better to spend your drug money on - like drugs.

Tuesday Trainwreck - Who Got The Hooch?

The AP crew is back from our long weekend (Happy Memorial Day, by the way), ready to get back to the important task of writing about rumors and reviewing trash. Hey, if we don't do it, and the other ten million sites out there don't either, then who will? Let's not find out. So with that, let's get back to business.

A word on this trainwreck, however - I contemplated switching this column to a Wednesday Trainwreck this week for a couple of reasons. First, the hangover hasn't really gone away yet, despite the fact that it's now Tuesday afternoon. Damn you Jack Daniels! Too loud. Second, and perhaps more relevant to the feature, is that almost nothing being released this week will actually be available today. Because of Monday's holiday, most items are just being shipped out to retailers today, and won't hit the shelves until tomorrow.

Then I realized - this is an excellent chance for a preemptive strike. See, by the time all three of you read this column on a normal Tuesday, you've already had the chance to go out and buy the very thing I'm telling you not to buy. But this week, you'll be an informed consumer. You're welcome. Don't get the wrong idea, though - I'm not moving this feature to Monday. Monday's suck enough as it is, without the demands of a feature series that has to be published. Besides, Monday Trainwreck just doesn't have the same ring to it. I'd have to change the column to something like Monday Melee, which is totally gay, and would also mean that I've have to create a new graphic. Pass.

Okay, enough rambling - that was supposed to be one paragraph. So let's jump right into it:



Yes movie lovers, this week's trainwreck is Basic Instinct. But not just any version - this is the hi-def Blu-Ray edition of Basic Instinct. Think about what that means for a minute.

Now I know there are probably a bunch of you out there right now calling me an ass on this one. For a lot of 20-something guys, this was their first big screen look at lady parts in all their glory. But realize what we're talking about here - these are Sharon Stone's lady parts. In hi def. This woman is old enough to be your mother.

Granted, she was still pretty hot when this movie was filmed, so it's not all bad. But when you combine 49-year-old hooch with a shitty script, poor acting, and the skinny Rice-A-Roni guy, you don't have something worth wasting $30 bucks over. Besides, didn't you already buy this movie when the special edition DVD with the ice pick came out?

Bottom line, you've seen Sharon's va-jay-jay more times than you've needed to at this point, so it's time to move on to greener pastures. And I don't mean Britney Spears.

Tuesday Trainwreck - Mel Gibson Strikes Again

Remember when Mel Gibson was cool? I guess it depends on how old you are. Everyone over 20 raise you hand. Damn, now I feel old. Anyway, back in the day, Mel Gibson was a cool guy that starred in a bunch of kick-ass films like Mad Max and Lethal Weapon (the first one - the rest were a waste of video tape). But now, he's just some old racist making movies that no one can understand:

And when I say that no one can understand Apocalypto, I mean it literally. You see, in his infinite wisdom, Mr. Gibson decided that the film should be performed in a dead Mayan language. I'm not really sure which one. I'd Google it, but honestly, does it really matter? Suffice it to say, you will be reading if you watch this movie. And reading is for suckers.

What was the point of having all the dialogue be in ancient Mayan? If you ask Mel, I'm sure he'd tell you that it's supposed to bring you deeper into the story and make you feel like you're living as part of the tribe. But in reality, I'm sure it's just a grandiose attempt to both generate hype for the movie, and make it feel more historically accurate than it really is. It certainly worked on the first part.

As for the plot, the story revolves around a young man in the tribe named Jaguar Paw. Hmm, I guess it's better than Frog Scrotum. Anyway, the tribe is attacked, a bunch of his friends are killed, and he a few others are taken prisoner. Eventually, they're brought to a temple to be sacrificed to some god that no one has ever heard of (let's say Kianto, just for the hell of it), and Jag must escape to save his wife and son. Oh yeah, they got trapped in a well at some point. I wonder if her name was Jessica...

From a purely cinematic standpoint, this movie isn't terrible. There are some cool action scenes, and the temple sequence borders on "epic". But all in all, it's not enough to make up for the fact that this movie pretends to teach you something about ancient times, as well as pass on a metaphor about today's society. And I don't need to learn anything when I'm watching a movie. That's my brain turned off time.

If you're really looking to waste some money, there's even a Blu-Ray version of this flick available. I'm sure it's very pretty, but meh. And I realize this is against the nature of this feature, but if you're looking for a new release to spend your money on this week, might I suggest Season 3 of Airwolf?

Tuesday Trainwreck - How Did This Show Stay On The Air So Long?

I have to warn you - unspeakable evil lies within this post. The horrors which you are about to witness could leave you shaken, scarred, and tormented for the rest of your life. Those with weak constitutions should turn back now, as I can't be held responsible for the grim fate that awaits you should you proceed to read this article. And for those who choose to proceed, all I can say is, abandon all hope, ye who enter here:

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The bad writing and rigid acting! Damn you God! Why have you forsaken us? Ah,...I think I've made my point. And what happened to the fat guy?

I thought long and hard about what I should write for this article, but finally I came to the conclusion that Wings speaks for itself. It's a terrible, terrible show that should never have seen the light of day, and that's about it. But, for some reason that I'll never be able to wrap my brain around, people watched it. And some of those people are going to buy this DVD. Hell, this is the fourth season, so odds are someone out there bought the first three. Hopefully, that bad decision by some poor, unfortunate soul won't reflect harshly on the rest of us.

So let me just say this before moving on - don't buy this. That's it - that's all I've got. I'm not going to beg or plead with you. If you decide not to take my advice, enjoy you're stay in hell. The rest of us will be there eventually.

But that leaves us with the rest of this article, so let's kill some time. How about a song? Let's go with "Misty Morning, Albert Bridge" by The Pogues:

I dreamt we were standing

By the banks of the Thames

Where the cold grey waters ripple

In the misty morning light

Held a match to your cigarette

Watched the smoke curl in the mist

Your eyes, blue as the ocean between us

Smiling at me

I awoke alone and lonely

In a faraway place

The sun fell cold upon my face

The cracks in the ceiling spelt hell
Turned to the wall

Pulled the sheets around my head

Tried to sleep, and dream my way

Back to you again

Count the days

Slowly passing by

Step on a plane

And fly away

I'll see you then

As the dawnbirds sing

On a cold and misty morning

By the Albert Bridge

Now wasn't that nicer than talking about Wings? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks Pogues. This musical moment was brought to you by the Atomic Playground. Because we care.

God Bless The Internet - HD-DVD Is Officially Cracked!

The internet is a wonderful, magical entity teaming with people from all walks of life. Okay, it's mostly a bunch of old creepy guys in chat rooms trading porn. But there are a few shining stars in the tubes - people who dedicate their time to making information free, and tearing down the barriers to freedom erected by those greedy corporate fatcats. And those fine folks have struck again, this time taking down one of the next gen HD formats. That's right - HD-DVD has been cracked!

For most people...this isn't news. No one really cares about the so-called "next gen format war". The average consumer is happy with his regular DVD, with only those bleeding edge early adopters taking the plunge on the new stuff. But this crack isn't about helping the masses now - it's about helping them in the future.

Every day, more and more of our digital rights are taken away at the hands of DRM. And the DRM found in the next gen optical disks is some of the strongest stuff as yet unleashed on the public. Some in the industry even went so far to say that it would never be cracked. But that statement is like issuing an open invitation to all the hackers, crackers, and netizens with too much time on their hands to pool their resources and take down the system - and that's just what happened earlier in the week.

News of the crack spread across the internet fast, and quickly became the top story on sites like Digg. Now, it shouldn't come as any surprise to find that the corporate bigwigs didn't want this information disseminated to the masses, so they quickly sent their hell hound lawyers into action. As a result, the stories disappeared from Digg. But that wasn't the end of this tale. As a mighty army, the internet nerds rose as one, and pushed every article out there on the HD-DVD crack to the top of the Digg charts. And Digg heard the call.

Kevin Rose, the founder of Digg, posted a story to the site explaining why the initial articles were removed. But, more importantly, he also stated that the company respected the wishes of its users, and that all other stories referencing the crack would be allowed to remain on Digg. He even posted the crack code himself in his blog.

I really respect Mr. Rose for standing up to the big corporations, and standing behind the wishes of the people that have made his site the success that it is. I hope that this will not be the end of Digg, but if it is, to put it in Mr. Rose's words, "at least we died trying".

Let this be a lesson to everyone on the internet. Don't let your rights be taken away without a fight. You have to stand up for the little things - if you don't, there won't be anyone left to stand up for the big things. If you want to help, start at the Electronic Frontier Foundation, an organization created to help people fight for their digital rights. And again, a thanks to everyone on the net that made both this crack possible, and made it known. There is freedom in information.

Tuesday Trainwreck - Beware The Chick Flick

I picked this week's Trainwreck based on the assumption that no women actually read this site. This theory is based on a couple factors. First, more than half the stories on this site are about video games, and the only three girl gamers that I know don't bother to read this page. Second, I haven't had any hotties email me pics of their boobies as a direct result of this site (though I did receive a pic of this boob). So with all that in mind, this week's Trainwreck is the biggest chick flick of the year, Dreamgirls:

If you like movies about singing, feelings, and relationships, then you're a wuss. Go read another website. But, as long as you're here, let me tell you that you'll like this movie. For all the rest of us that just want a few explosions and some full frontal nudity, this flick is two hours of torture.

Based on the cast list alone, you'd think this one was worth the price of admission - you've got Eddie Murphy (without the fat suit), Jamie Fox, Danny Glover, and Beyonce Knowles for some much needed hotness. But even this cast can't change the fact that this is a touchy feely movie, and honestly, not even a great one of those.

In short, the plot revolves around three women who want to become music stars. They start as backup singers for Murphy, and eventually form their own group. But, jealousy and infighting in the group over who is the real star ultimately causes their downfall. Yeah, it's the same thing that broke up Poison - no one in the music biz is safe.

The one saving grace of the movie is the music - say what you want, but that Jennifer Hudson can sing. Unfortunately, the music is incomplete, as most of the songs are only presented as clips in the movie. What's there is gold, but there's just not enough of it to make this movie worthwhile to a male audience.

Bottom line, this isn't a bad movie - if you're a chick, you'll love it. But if you're a dude, getting through it will be rough. On the plus side, sitting through this with a chick will probably score you some major points, and could mean an even bigger score later in the night. So when this DVD ends, fire up the Barry White and make all her dreams come true.

And for any girls that are actually reading this - you can send those pics of your boobies to me right here. Thanks!

If You're Not Down With Jeremy Piven, He's Got Two Words For Ya - Smokin' Aces

You've probably heard of this little HBO series called Entourage. It stars Jeremy Piven as movie agent Ari Gold, a Hollywood player that wheels, deals, and makes all the big moves. Sure, there are a few other characters on the show - some actor dude and his friends - but Piven is where it's at. He's the man, on screen and off.

That brief yet frightening journey into the realm of Jeremy Piven's universe was brought to you by the Atomic Playground. We now return you to your normal dimension, where Jeremy Piven is just a small-time schmuck with a chip on his shoulder. He thinks the world revolves around him, and even industry jerks think he's nothing but a d-bag. Despite that, Smokin' Aces is a decent movie, and an even better DVD.

In the flick, Piven plays a Vegas magician turned snitch against the mob, and gets a contract put on his head. This brings all the low-lifes out of the woodwork, with each one trying to take him down and cash in on the bounty, and it's up to two FBI agents to keep him safe for the trial. The flick stars such names as Ben Affleck (it's a good movie despite him), Ray Liotta, Jason Bateman, Andy Garcia, and of course, Jeremy Piven. It's packed with great action sequences, guns, a unique cast, and is overall a really fun movie. Just don't expect too much from it.

But as I said earlier, the DVD is where this one shines. It's loaded with extras, including commentary, deleted scenes, and more. So don't hesitate to pick this one up - just don't pay more than $15 bucks for it, unless you're going the hi-def route.

And after you watch it, get down on your knees and thank the good lord above for blessing us with an acting talent like Jeremy Piven. He's as good as (Ari) Gold. That was terrible...

Tuesday Trainwreck - If Chevy Chase Were Dead, He'd Be Spinning In His Grave

What in the hell happened to the once proud name of National Lampoon? The franchise that gave us National Lampoon's Vacation, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and probably some other good movies too, is apparently just a distant memory. Almost all the releases over the past decade or so have been nothing but B-quality crap with some T&A thrown in (not that I have anything against T&A - I'm just making a point here). And this flick fits that formula to a tee: National Lampoon's Pucked:

Now I know what you're thinking: "kidd, you're just a hater. How can a flick starring Jon Bon Jovi, David Faustino, and Nora Dunn be anything but awesome!" What can I say, I have a low opinion of others. And for those of you scratching your heads, David Faustino is the kid from Married...With Children.

The movie's about a guy who decides to live his dream by creating a female hockey team. Take a minute and read that again. Go ahead, I'll wait. Got that? So, long story short, he ends up in court after falling helplessly in debt, and must use his legal skills (he used to be a lawyer, by the way) to get himself out of hot water. At least, I think that's how it ends - I fell asleep about an hour into it, and just couldn't bring myself to hit rewind. It's that kind of a movie. Feel free to leave a comment and confirm the accuracy of this one.

About the only redeeming quality of the movie is that it stars the delicious Estella Warren, who's probably best known for her role in the 2001 remake of Planet of the Apes. That girl can play with my hockey stick any time she wants.

In short? Amazon wants a full $20 for this, so I wouldn't waste my time. Anymore than I already have, that is. But, if you and your buddies need to have something on the TV while getting smashed, this makes a good something - especially when it hits the bargain bin in three months.

Come to think of it, I haven't heard anything from Chevy Chase in a while, so maybe he really has gone to that great multiplex in the sky. But even if he isn't dead, his career - and his residuals - certainly are.

Michael Douglas Fans Rejoice - The Box Set You've Been Waiting For Has Arrived!

DVD sales are a billion dollar industry. Hollywood is making money faster than they can count it off of these things. But movies on DVD aren't the big seller - TV is. A few years back, someone finally had the idea to start releasing TV series on DVD, and consumers started eating it up. It was a great decision for everyone, only now, things are starting to get out of hand. It seems that just about every TV series is starting to get the DVD treatment. Even those that don't need it, such as The Streets of San Francisco.

For those of you too young to remember, which would probably be everyone reading this, the show starred an old Karl Malden and a young(er) Michael Douglas, a pair of cops trying to clean up the crime ridden streets of San Fran. Hence the title. Malden played the vet, trying to keep the brash Douglas in line, as they solved such capers as "I Left My Rice-A-Roni in San Francisco", "A Trolley Car Named Desire", and "Gangs of the Golden Gate". Yes, it was truly...a really boring hour of television.

So here's a message to Hollywood - just because a show is old, that doesn't make it a classic. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of great old shows out there that deserve a nice box set for us to drop $40 bucks on, but this crap is not it. If you're gonna release crap, give us some In Search Of... with Leonard Nimoy. That's some crap that we can all enjoy.

Tuesday Trainwreck - What's So Hard About Bending Air? Look, I'm Doing It Right Now

A couple years back, anime (aka Japanimation) became huge in the states. Thanks to it, we have such gems as Pokeman and Yu Gi Oh - however the hell you spell that. But apparently, all that authentic Japanese anime wasn't enough for Nickelodeon. Yes, the network does still exist, and it's more craptacular than ever. And they're bringing us pseudo-anime in the guise of Avatar - The Last Airbender:



Now I admit, I don't know that much about the series. In fact, I hadn't even really heard of it until seeing a review of an Avatar game over on X-Play. But I can tell you this - it's stupid. Apparently, some kid gets frozen in snow, and wakes hundreds of years later to find the Earth taken over by the forces of fire. So, Avatar starts bending air in order to defeat them. Yeah, I don't get it either. I mean, I'm no scientist, but doesn't pushing air into a fire just make the fire stronger?

As I mentioned earlier, this isn't even real anime anyway. This stuff was created right here in the U.S. Okay, it was probably made in Indonesia or something, but that doesn't make it anime, cause it was conceived here in the states. So even die-hard anime fans need not apply for this stuff.

Short story shorter, don't even bother getting started on this one. While the show does seem to have a loyal fanbase, it's just a group of guys that were oxygen deprived due to all the air bending going on around them, so they don't know any better. What's your excuse? Exactly. Go bend something else. I don't really care what, just do it with style. You know, like Beckham.

Tuesday Trainwreck - Go Master Someone Else's Universe

It's Tuesday, and you all know what that means - it's time for a new round of movie, music, and video game releases. So, we here at the Atomic Playground (and by we, I mean me) have decided to start a new feature. No, we're not going to tell you the best new release to spend your hard stolen money on. There are plenty of other, more reputable sites that are willing to do that. Instead, we're going to tell you which one to avoid like the plague. That's right - every week, we'll tell you which piece of trash to pass on, so you can put your cash toward more useful things like smokes and that shampoo to get rid of those crabs. May I present, the Tuesday Trainwreck:

Everyone remembers He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, right? It was a hell of a show. In fact, when I was about four, it was probably my favorite show. Sure, the characters were stupid and the plots as thin as Kate Moss (zing!), but it was a fun show. So why did it get the crown in the first ever Tuesday Trainwreck? See, this is not the original He-Man. This is The New Adventures of He-Man. Yes - the gay one.

At some point, a few big wig execs decided there was still money left in the franchise, and that the defender of Grayskull just need a fresh new image. Enter new He-Man. He's fab-u-lous. What had been a trippy-fun cartoon in the original incarnation just became a lame attempt to push product. These shows were little more than a half hour commercial for an action figure no one wanted. Basically, there were no redeeming qualities at all.

This is Vol. 2 of the DVD release - Vol. 1 came out a few months back. For those of you that were suckered into buying it, you have my condolences. Don't make the same mistake twice with Vol. 2, just to be a completist. Trust me, it's not worth it. Instead, wait for the release of the Cartoon Network series that ran about 6 or 7 years ago. It was actually a decent modern interpretation of the old cartoon, and only suffered due to the lack of marketing knowledge by the folks at Mattel. If anyone can drive a franchise into the ground, it's them.

So Skeletor junkies, resist the temptation and just pop in a DVD from one of the old box sets. You'll enjoy the half hour much more.