Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tuesday Trainwreck - The Only Thing Evil About This Movie Is That They're Charging For It

What's this - two Trainwrecks in a row? That's right. Due to our MIA status last week, I mentioned that some double features were in order. So here we are, second round. This is a great opportunity, since we can explore the worst from both video games and DVDs. We've already covered the trash that is the Rise of the Silver Surfer game, so let's move on to some craptacular cinema - Primeval:

Let's jump right into the plot. Don't worry - the water's shallow. This movie is based on the true story of a 23 foot long man-eating crocodile. Essentially, we follow a news crew that travels to the African jungles. Their mission is to catch the creature on tape, and maybe even capture this beast, to exploit him and make some money. These are American journalists, after all. Now, what a news crew knows about hunting or croc wrangling, I'll never know. Maybe they watched Crocodile Dundee before they left.

Anyway, it turns out they're not the only ones hunting in this jungle - the croc, known by the locals as "Gustave" (strikes fear in your heart, doesn't it?), is fixing to make our crack team of heroes his main course. There's a lot of back of forth with this, and the team has a bunch of encounters with the croc. Oh, and there's also a civil war going on too. I don't think this movie was sponsored by the African Board of Tourism.

In the end, Gustave eats a bunch of people, and we all have a good laugh at the fact that this is the career that Dominic Purcell made out of his Prison Break fame. Good times.

To be fair, there's a lot of action in this movie, and I wouldn't throw Brooke Langton out of bed. Until I was done with her, at least. But the plot is just too weak to get you really involved in the movie. This is the kind of thing you watch on HBO at 2 a.m. when nothing else is on - assuming you haven't already cancelled your subscription. So find something better to spend your drug money on - like drugs.

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