Tuesday Trainwreck - How Did This Show Stay On The Air So Long?

I have to warn you - unspeakable evil lies within this post. The horrors which you are about to witness could leave you shaken, scarred, and tormented for the rest of your life. Those with weak constitutions should turn back now, as I can't be held responsible for the grim fate that awaits you should you proceed to read this article. And for those who choose to proceed, all I can say is, abandon all hope, ye who enter here:

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The bad writing and rigid acting! Damn you God! Why have you forsaken us? Ah,...I think I've made my point. And what happened to the fat guy?

I thought long and hard about what I should write for this article, but finally I came to the conclusion that Wings speaks for itself. It's a terrible, terrible show that should never have seen the light of day, and that's about it. But, for some reason that I'll never be able to wrap my brain around, people watched it. And some of those people are going to buy this DVD. Hell, this is the fourth season, so odds are someone out there bought the first three. Hopefully, that bad decision by some poor, unfortunate soul won't reflect harshly on the rest of us.

So let me just say this before moving on - don't buy this. That's it - that's all I've got. I'm not going to beg or plead with you. If you decide not to take my advice, enjoy you're stay in hell. The rest of us will be there eventually.

But that leaves us with the rest of this article, so let's kill some time. How about a song? Let's go with "Misty Morning, Albert Bridge" by The Pogues:

I dreamt we were standing

By the banks of the Thames

Where the cold grey waters ripple

In the misty morning light

Held a match to your cigarette

Watched the smoke curl in the mist

Your eyes, blue as the ocean between us

Smiling at me

I awoke alone and lonely

In a faraway place

The sun fell cold upon my face

The cracks in the ceiling spelt hell
Turned to the wall

Pulled the sheets around my head

Tried to sleep, and dream my way

Back to you again

Count the days

Slowly passing by

Step on a plane

And fly away

I'll see you then

As the dawnbirds sing

On a cold and misty morning

By the Albert Bridge

Now wasn't that nicer than talking about Wings? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks Pogues. This musical moment was brought to you by the Atomic Playground. Because we care.

Gears Of War Golf - Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term Bogey

Every gamer knows that Mario is more than just a plumber. Sure, his original adventures had him roaming around in pipes, but he quickly branched out into other fields such as soccer, baseball, go kart racing, and even melees. But he's not the only multi-talented video game hero out there. So not to be outdone, Marcus Fenix from Gears of War fame is branching out...into golf. Not football. Not jai alai. Golf.

At first glance, this one seems really screwed up. What the hell does a third person shooter have to do with golfing? But think about it - how does a warrior relax after a tough weekend of shooting badies in the head? He hits the back nine and gets him some at the nineteenth hole.

Now truth be told, this game probably won't be coming to a 360 near you, which is too bad since Rockstar Table Tennis could use some competition. According to this article, the game was created as a demo to prove to Korean devs that the Unreal engine could also be used for casual games (maybe this could be a Wii release). Golf is huge in Korea, so what better way to showcase the possibilities for them?

If this ended up being a real game, Marcus would be following precisely in Mario's footsteps, as he's starred in numerous golf games as well. And there could be a market for this title - I picture it as Outlaw Golf 2 with more guns and explosions, which isn't a bad thing. Maybe it's time someone injected a little action into golf, and I can't think of anyone better than Epic to do that. Just don't try to charge me 60 bucks for it.

Sony Announces PS3 Firmware Revision 2.0...Sort Of

Hot on the heels of the latest firmware release for the Xbox 360, Sony announced the next firmware revision for the PS3 today...and then pulled it, hoping no one noticed it was out. Of course, this is the internet, so now everyone knows about it. Technology rules.

Firmware 2.0 promises to be a decent upgrade, with a lot of added features. What appears to be the full feature list was leaked earlier today, although explanations about the options were no where to be found. Expect those when the firmware actually goes live. Or at least, a couple days later, since that's usually how Sony handles these situations. That being said, there's no word yet on when this puppy will drop.

Among the list of items slated for the next release are desktop wallpaper, support for RSS feeds, new slide show effects, and revised file sorting - that last one was really overdue. You can pimp the full list here.

Admittedly, a lot of this stuff is already on the Xbox, but they had a head start in getting there. It's good to see that Sony is setting the bar high, and is piling in as many features as they can. All I gots to say is keep them coming boys. Oh, and some good games would be nice too. You know, if it's not too much trouble.

Break Out The Hairspray - The 80s Are Cool Again

It was only a matter of time. Eventually, all the old cheesy crap from years past somehow becomes cool again. Maybe as we get older, we become more nostalgic for the good old days. Maybe our memories paint a prettier picture than reality ever could. Or maybe we just don't learn from history, and are therefore doomed to repeat it. Whatever the reason, there's money to be made, and Red Octane is up to the challenge.

Announced just this week, Guitar Hero: Rock The 80s! promises to transport us back to a time when ripped acid washed jeans were cool, Camaros were plentiful, and bandanas were tied to everything in sight. It was also the time of the glorious hair bands like Poison and Bon Jovi. Where are they now? Nursing homes.

So far, seven songs have been confirmed for the game:

• I Ran (A Flock of Seagulls)
• Round and Round (Ratt)
• I Wanna Rock (Twisted Sister)
• I Want Candy (Bow Wow Wow)
• Heat of the Moment (Asia)
• Metal Health (Quiet Riot)
• Holy Diver (Dio)

Extra points for anyone who can tell me the link between Ronnie James Dio and South Park (hint: Wikipedia knows all).

For now, there's no official release date, but you can expect this to drop sometime over the summer. Oh, and one more thing - it's a PS2 exclusive! That's right MS fanboys, the 360 has been left out in the cold. Here's hoping you held on to that PS2.

In the meantime, rock on:

Friday Freebie - Another Way To Thumb Your Nose At Internet Explorer

Last week, we took a look at Mozilla Firefox, an up and coming alternative to the internet's least favorite (yet most popular) browser, IE. This week, we'll continue that theme with yet another browser. Yeah, I know. Now you've got two - what could you possibly need a third browser for? Well, they're all free, so what are you complaining about? And they each have their own set of features, so one may appeal to you more than another. So this week's freebie is Opera:

No, not the Italian music sung by fat chicks. This is a free browser alternative to the more mainstream IE and Firefox. Opera has a very small following, even in comparison to Firefox, but it's a devoted group. And thanks to some good marketing and innovation, people are finally starting to recognize the name.

Despite their small market share, Opera has actually been around since 1994, although they didn't have software available to the public until 1996. If you want proof of their longevity, just take a look at the browser's current version number: 9.2. In contrast, IE is only at 7, and Firefox a mere 2. But it wasn't easy for Opera in those early days. Unlike its main rivals of the time, IE and Netscape Navigator, Opera wasn't free - you had to pay for the software. For many, this was a deal breaker.

Some web users wanted more features and a streamlined browsing experience, however, and were willing to shell out for a browser. This kept Opera in the game, and their business model allowed them to innovate. Eventually, they were able to switch to an ad-supported business model (the browser actually contained a permanent banner ad), and this helped increase their market share. It wasn't until recently, though, that the Opera became completely free.

To this day, Opera continues to set itself apart from other browsers with innovations such as "Speed Dial", an interface that allows you to choose from a thumbnail preview of your favorite websites. And that's not all - Opera is also the browser of choice for Nintendo. Wii owners can access the Internet through a custom Opera browser available on the Wii shop channel (free until June 30, 2007), and in Japan, the Opera browser is sold for use on the DS portable system. Opera also makes a browser for web-enabled cell phones and PDAs, making them a one stop browser shop.

If you'd like to give this puppy a try, you can download the browser here. Just about every OS is covered, so you don't have any excuse to pass this one up. And don't worry - no fat chicks will try to jump out of your browser and sing to you, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Don't Have Enough Simpsons Crap? Then Get Yourself An Official Simpsons-Themed Xbox 360

You knew it was only a matter of time before two of the biggest franchises in the world - The Simpsons and Microsoft - got together. And here they are, going totally next gen on you with a Simpsons-themed Xbox 360.

Engadget is reporting that as part of a movie tie-in deal, Microsoft is producing a limited run of 100 Simpsons 360s to give away as promotional items. So, that means the only way you'll ever get your grubby little hands on one of these bad boys is through the power of eBay. Another downside - the console is only the premium version, not the elite.

Frankly, this doesn't surprise me one bit. The Simpsons have whored out their name to just about every product under the sun, so a video game console - something that has nothing to do with the series, unless you count that one Christmas episode - should come as no surprise. Still, it's a nice piece, and should be a great centerpiece in 100 lucky people's collection. Until they all brick with the three red lights of death, that is.

Tuesday Trainwreck - Straight Up Now Kill Me

We haven't had a music post in a while, so when I saw this title on the new release list, I knew this had trainwreck written all over it. See, someone decided that America needed to be reminded that Paula Abdul was at one time a successful musician, instead of the drugged-up hack she is today. What that person didn't realize is that we didn't forget about Paula's career by accident - we chose to forget. But now, we're all painfully reminded with the release of Paula Abdul Greatest Hits - Straight Up!:

Now I could turn this article into a rant about why American Idol is slowly killing our society, but instead, I'll just stick to the CD. There's no doubt that at one point in time, Paula was popular. Hell, even I listened to some of her music for a brief period back in 1990 (I had a troubled childhood). But those days are long gone, and for good reason - the music, much like the musician, has not aged well.

Like many greatest hits albums before it, this one follows the formula of five or six decent older songs, and then a dozen "newer" tracks which are invariably craptacular. But even the decent songs aren't really worth revisiting. While there aren't exactly a ton of great artists on the scene right now, there are enough to keep your attention from things that are better left in the past.

And don't even get me started on Paula - this is a chick with problems. I don't know, maybe those Idol paychecks are starting to bounce, and she needs some quick cash to keep the Vicodin supply topped off. Honestly though, the reason for this release doesn't matter. All that matters is that you stay away...far away.

If you're looking for some tunes to get you through the month, check out the new Maroon 5 album, or even the Spiderman 3 soundtrack - both are better investments than Paula. Remember, if you buy her CD, you're giving her drug money, and that makes you an enabler. You don't want to be part of the problem, do you? Of course not. Be part of the solution, and just say no to crappy music.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by your friends at the Atomic Playground.

Xbox 360 Spring Update - Good Thing Bandwidth Is Cheap

The latest firmware update to the Xbox 360 is set to roll out this week, and the feature list has left me wondering - is anyone excited about this? Updates for the 360 only come twice a year, unlike the seemingly weekly releases for the PS3, so people used to actually look forward to these things. I remember when background downloading was finally announced - that was an update to remember. But now...if the download wasn't automatic, it almost wouldn't be worth the time.

Here are some of the upcoming features, taken from the official Microsoft press release:

• Tie in with Windows Live Messenger, so you can IM with your Messenger contacts directly from your 360.
• Support for the handheld QWERTY keyboard attachment, set to be released later this summer.
• A more complete achievement notification, detailing the name of the unlocked achievement and the points awarded.
• A new Live Marketplace blade for accessing content from Live.
• New download options for games (XBLA and demos) and Marketplace video content.

And, of course, we can't forget about the more robust parental controls - I know everyone's been waiting for those.

Honestly, there's just nothing here to write home about for me. I guess the IM tie-in is big for some people, though I've never liked instant messaging myself. And don't get me wrong - I'm glad MS is still developing the capabilities of the console - but something new and innovating would be nice. How about DivX support? Or a (good) browser?

Of course, there's no reason not to get the update, but I'd wait a couple days to download it. These updates have been known to brick a few consoles, and the 360 doesn't really need any help there. Let's just hope that Bill Gates has something good up his sleeve for the fall.