Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tuesday Trainwreck - Freaky, Even For A Scientologist

Today's Trainwreck took a little digging to find. Usually, the weekly load of trash that is the new release bin is overflowing with junk just ripe for the picking. But this week, the disasters were few and far between. This is not because everything that was released was great, mind you. This is because almost nothing was released at all.

Blame the summer doldrums, blame E3, blame that homeless guy who lives outside of Best Buy and freaks out the delivery guy - it was just a slow week. I started in the DVD section, and try as I might, I couldn't even find a disk worth using as a coaster. I briefly moved to the hi-def DVD rack (there's just one), and almost found something worth writing about, but it just wasn't worth it. Next up was the video game section, which was so empty I could swear I heard crickets chirping within the shelves. I finally made my way to the CDs, only to find that the few new releases this week were decent. You wouldn't believe my level of disappointment. I felt like a fallen warrior - my sword broken, my horse dead, and my blood about to spill forth from my armor. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a glimmer of horror that is John Travolta in drag:

Hallelujah!, I shouted to the heavens. From out of the weeds, fate smiled upon me this day, and brought forth a CD so rotten, so putrid, so stinking of death, that it was the perfect candidate for a Trainwreck. Amongst the piddling crap that offered itself to the ignorant consumer, this wretched disk burned bright with the fires of despair. Hairspray - The Motion Picture Soundtrack, was just the ticket I needed to ride on this Trainwreck.

What is there to say about this disk that can't be imagined from just listing the performers? You've got John Travolta, Ricki "Go Ricki, Go Ricki" Lake, Brittany Snow, Queen Latifah, and, the King of Rock, Christopher Walken. Nothing says dance party like a little Chris W. pumping from the speakers! Most sane people don't even want to hear these people talk, let alone sing. Anyone who buys this disk is instantly off my Christmas card list.

Honestly, I don't know whether to advise the readers to take up arms and storm the offices of New Line for putting out this filth, or to thank them for saving my column this week. Let's just call it a draw and do nothing. Laziness is easier.

And might I recommend using the above for your wallpaper this week? Hear me out - just put it on your office computer. Then, when you start to feel like you have the worst job in the world, just look at your screen and the image of John Travolta in a wig. Not only will you feel better about the work you do, but you'll lose your appetite. It's a way to feel good and lose weight! Drop me a line if you want a high-res version - that one will make you skip dinner as well.

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